Category Archives: RABBINICAL REFLECTIONS

Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection #145 (3/11/17) – Purim Jokes Anew

PurimJokes2017

Airs March 11, 2017 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube: https://youtu.be/Zz9D1TbSKVE

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of March 11, 2017.

Happy Purim, everybody! It’s the one day of the year when the world is actually supposed to be crazy, rather than the accident we live in day to day. As such, it’s something of a tradition on this most happy holiday for me to eschew ranting, bitching, and beating various dead horses, and to just tell a couple of jokes, with a bissel of Talmudic commentary. Well, Talmudic-style commentary, since I’m too busy to actually read the friggin’ Talmud. (pause) Oh, as if you aren’t.

Anyhoo, we begin with a charming joke about infidelity. Murray the accountant has been lusting after his secretary for months. Finally, she gives in, they take the day off, go to a hotel, and spend hours boinking and shtupping, moaning and groaning, coming and going. They’re so exhausted, they even fall asleep. Suddenly, Murray wakes up, it’s 7:30 at night.
They start frantically dressing, and as they get out the door, Murray hands the girl his shoes and says, “Do me a favor. Take my shoes, go to the lawn, and rub them all over the grass and dirt. Do it!” She does. He says, “Great, don’t panic.” Drives her home and makes a beeline for his own house.
In he walks at 8:45, and boy, is his wife waiting for him. “Where have you been?” she screams in his face.
“Honey,” he says. “I’m not gonna lie to you. For the last ten hours, I’ve been in a hotel room with my hot secretary, and we’ve been having wild sex in every possible position. I’m sorry.”
Murray’s wife looks down at his shoes. Stares at them. Says, “You lying son of a bitch; you’ve been playing golf!”

Please note that this joke is not meant to be instructional or tried at home. It does remind us that marriage is a sacred institution, but even more sacred is the need for men to have their own corner of time and space. Doesn’t mean, chas v’chalil, they should be committing adultery—or certainly not childrenry. But an activity that is theirs and theirs alone. And ladies, remember, the good news is that for men of a certain age, golf is a helluva lot more manageable than an affair. For one thing, you can hold your shaft up for three hours without having a heart attack. For another, it’s more fun to pick up your balls from the green than to pick up your balls with tighter underpants. And finally, if you land in the wrong hole, you just get a drink at the bar instead of needing a penicillin shot.

Moving on. So last week, I’m visiting a big synagogue in Manhattan, and I have to use the bathroom. So I go downstairs, big men’s room; I try one stall, the door won’t open. So I try the next one, it’s fine, I go in, sit down.
I’m just getting settled, when a voice comes from the next cubicle. “Shalom! How are you doing?”
“Oy,” I think. But to be polite, I answer, “I’m fine, thank you very much.”
A couple seconds go by, the man says, “Well, what are you doing?”
What am I doing? I tell the guy, “I’m taking a poop! What the hell do you think I’m doing?”
Immediately, I hear the voice say: “Listen, Chaim, lemme call you back. I’ve got this schmuck in the other stall answering everything I say.”

Nu, so what do we learn from this joke? We learn that we can get so wrapped up in our own heads, we automatically assume everything around us revolves around us. The truth is, most of the time, the opposite is true. We are the moons orbiting the sun. The best we can do is not to collide with each other, fall in, and burn up. Put another way—since I mentioned poop—we’re just flies circling the manure. The best we can do is not collide, fall in, and come out smelling like Greeley, Colorado.

Okay, last one. Out of sheer curiosity, because he’s never been, Avi Cohen decides to visit a church. He goes in, unpacks his t’fillin bag, puts on a yarmulke and tallis, and sits. He figures, “I can pray my own prayers; I just like the atmosphere.”
However, when the priest starts the service, he sees Avi, and the first thing he says is, “Would all non-Christians kindly leave?”
Avi hears this, but he’s in the middle of the sh’ma and doesn’t move.
Again, the priest calls out, “I’m asking, please, would all non-Christians leave?”
Avi, in the middle of prayer, doesn’t acknowledge; doesn’t budge.
Finally, turning red, the priest barks out, “Will all Jews please leave my church!”
At this, Avi removes his kippah, his tallis, stuffs them away, leaps out of his chair, and marches towards the exit. On the way, he grabs a statue of Jesus and says, “Come boychick. They don’t want us here anymore.”

This is, of course, a reminder that in an era when Christians and Jews may wind up being pitted against each other over abortion, Palestinians, school prayer, thin-crust pizza vs. Chicago style. It’s good to remember we all need each other. Christians wouldn’t have a religion without us. And we wouldn’t have much traction in our current government if the goyim didn’t believe that Israel was necessary for endtimes. So, Jews, stop panicking. If anti-Semites are knocking over some headstones, if the alt-right is somehow making skinheads feel like they’ve got decent hair—it sucks, but don’t get sucked in. On this Purim holiday of 2017, celebrate what we can, and keep an eye on what we can’t.

Remember, too, that the president has a Jewish son-in-law and a converted Jewish daughter, and that the majority of our countrymen stand with us. Countrywomen, too. After all, what is a pussy hat if not a hamentaschen for the head?

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches, in Great Neck, New York. Purim Sameach!

(c)2017 TotalTheater. All rights reserved.

Leave a comment

Filed under RABBINICAL REFLECTIONS

Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection #144 (3/5/17) – Playboy

playboycover

Airs March 4, 2017 on Dave’s Gone By.  Youtube: https://youtu.be/HhgXViF07kA

Shalom Dammit!  This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of March 5, 2017.

Remember New Coke?  It was Coca Cola’s attempt to fix something that wasn’t broken.  Take a formula that merrily rotted people’s teeth for years, change it for no particular reason, market the hell out of it, and watch customers start drinking Pepsi.  The Coke folks realized their error, and they reinstituted the classic recipe, and everything went back to normal levels of thirst quenching and obesity.

So who was the latest company to overthink its brand and screw the pooch?  None other than Playboy magazine.  In a stroke of madness—well, stroke may not be the best word—Playboy changed its whole ethos. Like so many magazines today, Playboy has felt the terrible pinch of the digital era.  Circulation is down—and I don’t mean sales, I mean Playboy readers are so old, their bodies have no circulation.  Meanwhile, along comes Maxim, also targeting the men’s-lifestyle market, and they eat away at Playboy’s potential younger audience.  And unlike Playboy, Penthouse, Juggz, and my favorite, Barely Legal Anal Nurses, Maxim’s photo shoots are scanty but still clothed.  The honchos at Playboy must have been scratching their heads, along with their crab lice, and wondering, “For years, men lied about reading us for the articles.  Now there’s this other magazine with articles, and they’re proud to read it for the bikinis.  What the what?”

So Playboy made the decision a year ago to eschew nudity.  Think of it: Playboy without nudity.  That’s like Auschwitz without Jews in it.  This was the magazine that put a naked Marilyn Monroe in its first issue, the magazine that made stars of Dorothy Stratten, Anna Nicole Smith, and many others who died of natural causes; this was the magazine that served as ground zero for the sexual revolution, mainstream pornography, and the worldwide Kleenex shortage of 1967.

But times change, and for three decades now, Playboy has had to compete with digital magazines, cable TV and home video, changing popular tastes, and shifting cultural landscapes.  It hasn’t helped that the visionary founder of Playboy, Hugh Hefner, is still alive.  If he’d dropped dead years ago, he’d be extolled as an iconic, nostalgic reminder of America throwing off the shackles of the 1950s and embracing a world of new freedoms.  But as a 90-year-old coot, Hef just makes people think of airbrushing, exploitation, and Bill Cosby honing his groping skills in the grotto. And what’s with those twins Hef was dating?  How sexy is it to have two curvaceous, nymphomaniacal hotties give grampa a reacharound…just to change his ostomy bag.

But back to the nudity, or the removal thereof.  When Ringling Brothers, responding to pressure from animal-rights groups, got rid of its elephants two years ago, what did that lead to?  That’s right: the end of Ringling Brothers.  When Playboy bid byebye to boobs and bushes…what happened?  Actually, to be honest and surprising, sales went up a bit, especially for a younger demographic.  And the magazine was able to be displayed more prominently on more newsstands.  But it still wasn’t enough.  Readers would look at Playboy, glance at the photos—instead of staring intently at them for several minutes— and then ask themselves, “Why am I still reading this?”

Cooper Hefner, the son of Hef and company COO since his sister stepped down in 2009, admitted putting ponchos over pussies was a mistake.  In fact, “Nudity is Normal” is the motto on the cover of the March/April issue—an issue with mega-hot model Elizabeth Elam topless on the cover. Why, Playboy is even bringing back its party jokes, so all is right with the world.  Who knows, maybe they’ll even bring back those cartoons with the wrinkly old, sex-crazed granny.   I mean, she’s only 80 years older than Hef’s next girlfriend.

So welcome back old-fashioned Playboy.  You’re still a dinosaur on the way to the amber yard, but at least along the way, you’ll help a few more teenage boys explore the wonders of gynecology.  In a time when our government seems intent on yanking America back to the days of “Father Knows Best,” it’s heartening that once more, Playboy will leave it to beaver.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches, in Great Neck, New York.  Show us your tits!

(c) 2017 TotalTheater. All rights reserved.

Leave a comment

Filed under RABBINICAL REFLECTIONS

Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection #55 (2/3/13) – OLDIES BUT GOODIES

Aired February 2nd, 2013 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-rWYhZ0sCBo

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of February 3rd, 2013.

We are such a disposable society, any story – from a terrible flood to a bear lumbering into a shopping center – any event is good for two news cycles, and then it’s on to the next. We had a fiscal cliff – “Oy, the fiscal cliff, the fiscal cliff, the fiscal cliff!” Until some lunatic shot up a dayschool. Then it was “gun control, gun control, gun control!” Until next week, when it’s – Oh, I dunno, Chris Brown beating Rihanna again.

And the old 15 minutes of fame is now four minutes. Unless it’s an embarrassing or criminal kind of fame, in which case you get a show on VH-1 and live in perpetuity on Vimeo.

Our cultural motto is “What have you done for me lately?” And if lately is more than six months ago, we don’t even stay for the answer. So it’s heartening to find to find one trend bucking the trend. (And if you’ve ever had your trend bucked, you know just how pleasurable that can be.) The trend is for dinosaurs to roam the earth again. And by dinosaurs, I mean the great rock-and-roll stars of the `60’s.

When the entertainment community sought a charitable response to Hurricane Sandy, whom did they turn to? This week’s flavor of the month? No. Paul McCartney, the Rolling Stones, The Who. People whose combined ages would make Methuselah go, “Damn, they’re getting up there.”

At the benefit, Sir Paul rocked out with the members of Nirvana who weren’t driven to suicide by their wives. The Rolling Stones played two songs – which doesn’t sound like a lot, but in concert, that’d be 85 dollars worth right there. And then you had The Who – who reminded us how lucky Horton was to hear them. Yes, Roger Daltrey’s bare chest looked like the underside of a roasted ham, but the rest of him rocked out. And nobody does a windmill like Pete Townshend. Well, maybe the Dutch.

Anyhoo, around the same time, all the members of Led Zeppelin who didn’t drink 40 consecutive shots of Absolut were making the talk-show circuit with a DVD. Neil Young was putting out new music with Crazy Horse, David Bowie was finishing up a new album, and Paul Simon’s planning an Australian tour.

And yet there are grumblers who say that these people are all past their prime and should have retired long ago. Their voices are shot, all their best songs are three decades old, and fans are paying big bucks for diminished returns. In many cases this is true. If you go see Bob Dylan on his never-ending tour, you’re not getting 1966 electric Dylan and the Band; you’re getting 2013 eccentric Dylan and the bland. But that’s not just a function of age. Bob Dylan’s been giving shitty concerts since 1978. And 20, 30 years ago, a bad night could be infuriating. But now?

Is it enough to just see Zimmerman stand there onstage, mumble through a dozen classics and then give everyone hearing damage from his overmiked harmonica? You’re damn right it’s enough, because he’s still here, and we’re lucky to have him. Same with all these groups. If the Rolling Stones can’t make another “Goat’s Head Soup” – because they don’t have enough teeth to chew goat meat anymore; if David Bowie’s Ziggy Stardust rises and falls – and can’t get up; if Leonard Cohen sings “Hallelujah” because he made it to the toilet before soiling his Huggies; if Paul McCartney sings “Help!” less often than he presses his Life Alert for help, if Neil Young has a heart of gold – and a hip of titanium; it’s still nice when they make albums. It’s what they do.

Retirement comes hard to artists, especially if they don’t want to become an oldies act, or even if they do. I guess patient zero in this case history is Frank Sinatra. By his final concerts, he was forgetting lyrics, repeating songs, stumbling over the fine line between indulgence and embarrassment. But ask anybody who went if they’d have missed a second of it. If they wouldn’t gladly sit through 90 minutes of, “Well, that’s what he’s like now” to be reminded for just five, “ahh, that’s what he was like then.”

So hail to the dinosaurs who walk among us. If their joints creak a little when they stomp, well, so do mine. And if they wanna make a little more noise before they go extinct, that’s not a shame, it’s a gift. With all due respect to Neil Young, the great ones don’t have to burn out or fade away. Just play.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

(c) 2013 TotalTheater. All rights reserved.

oldies

Leave a comment

Filed under RABBINICAL REFLECTIONS

Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection #054 (1/27/13) – The BATTLE OF ALGIERS

Aired January 26, 2013 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YnXLGyFEdC0

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of January 26th, 2013.

Let’s say I go to the supermarket and buy a box of donuts. “Why am I eating that?”, you ask. “Well,” I say, “donuts are a health food.” “Health food?” I hear you gasp. “But they’re loaded with sugar and white flour.” “Yes, but they’re a health food,” I reply. “But they’re glazed with chocolate coating made out of corn syrup,” you counter. “I don’t care, they’re a health food,” I persist. “But look at the box!” you yell. “Half the ingredients are red dyes and preservatives and fiberglass insulation.” “You’re making wayyy too much of that,” I say. “Donuts are a health food.”

And now you start screaming, “But if you eat donuts, you get fat, your teeth rot, eventually you’ll risk heart disease and diabetes.” “Oh, don’t be so politically incorrect,” I say. “Donuts are a health food.”

Sounds crazy, right? Like I should have my head examined for not admitting what’s plainly in front of my face – or in my stomach.

Fine. How many times have we heard left-wing pundits and middle-east apologists say that Islam is the religion of peace? That’s the big slogan – religion of peace. And no amount of 9/11’s or Munichs or Lockerbies or Benghazis will convince these people that maybe Islam isn’t such a friendly how-do-ya-do.

“Oh, it’s just a small faction; it’s just the radicals,” comes the response. True. The millions and millions of Muslims in this world aren’t out there blowing up embassies any more than every NRA member is out there shooting up schools. However, no other religion since Christianity in the Middle Ages has caused so much needless, vicious and sociopathic bloodshed. Except, perhaps, the Death to Disco Movement of the 1970s, but they had a point.

So this time, the horror springs from Algeria – instead of Iran or Pakistan or Egypt or Syria – or, well, point to a map of the Middle East and find an Arab country that isn’t a killing field. Last week, a hostage crisis in Algeria resulted in more than two dozen civilian dead, including one American. Plus, 32 dead hostage takers, or, as I like to call them, refuse.

The Algerian government is being blamed for jumping the gun on its rescue mission. After three days of a bloody stand-off, Algerian troops stormed the gas plant that was under siege – which resulted in pretty much everyone dying. Mainly because the terrorists began executing the hostages once the fun started.

Other countries are now saying, “Oh, we weren’t informed, we could have done it better, we could have ended this with more survivors, blah di bloo di blah.” Algeria’s position is, “Sorry, we don’t negotiate with terrorists.” And to that, may I add, especially not terrorists who are killing the hostages anyway, who are strapped to the gills with explosives, and who come from a radical culture where suicide is the expected outcome of a violent event. Kind of tough to negotiate with someone who actually wants you to shoot him. It’s like going up to an alcoholic at a party and saying, “Look, I can either drive you home, or I can pour you another scotch.” That’s a win-win either way for the booze-hound.

Terrorists are sick, desperate people who can be dealt with in only the most extreme, desperate ways. Like full-on raids, waterboarding and being forced to watch “Teen Mom 2.”

We can mince words all we want so as not to offend Saudi Arabia and Qatar and UAE and other countries that could afford to buy the Statue of Liberty and sell it back to us in pieces. However, until every country, east and west, takes full action in crushing radical, violent Islam, we’re just gonna get more Algerias, more World Trade Centers, more Koran-concocted carnage. Just ask Israel, which has endured sixty years of anti-Semitism and anti-Americanism disguised as Palestinian nationalism. Israel realizes: the only way to say “no more” is to say, “no,” more. And that means, when terrorism rears its ugly covered head, you gotta put the religion of peace in a world of pain.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

(c) 2013 TotalTheater. All rights reserved.
Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of January 26th, 2013.

Let’s say I go to the supermarket and buy a box of donuts. “Why am I eating that?”, you ask. “Well,” I say, “donuts are a health food.” “Health food?” I hear you gasp. “But they’re loaded with sugar and white flour.” “Yes, but they’re a health food,” I reply. “But they’re glazed with chocolate coating made out of corn syrup,” you counter. “I don’t care, they’re a health food,” I persist. “But look at the box!” you yell. “Half the ingredients are red dyes and preservatives and fiberglass insulation.” “You’re making wayyy too much of that,” I say. “Donuts are a health food.”

And now you start screaming, “But if you eat donuts, you get fat, your teeth rot, eventually you’ll risk heart disease and diabetes.” “Oh, don’t be so politically incorrect,” I say. “Donuts are a health food.”

Sounds crazy, right? Like I should have my head examined for not admitting what’s plainly in front of my face – or in my stomach.

Fine. How many times have we heard left-wing pundits and middle-east apologists say that Islam is the religion of peace? That’s the big slogan – religion of peace. And no amount of 9/11’s or Munichs or Lockerbies or Benghazis will convince these people that maybe Islam isn’t such a friendly how-do-ya-do.

“Oh, it’s just a small faction; it’s just the radicals,” comes the response. True. The millions and millions of Muslims in this world aren’t out there blowing up embassies any more than every NRA member is out there shooting up schools. However, no other religion since Christianity in the Middle Ages has caused so much needless, vicious and sociopathic bloodshed. Except, perhaps, the Death to Disco Movement of the 1970s, but they had a point.

So this time, the horror springs from Algeria – instead of Iran or Pakistan or Egypt or Syria – or, well, point to a map of the Middle East and find an Arab country that isn’t a killing field. Last week, a hostage crisis in Algeria resulted in more than two dozen civilian dead, including one American. Plus, 32 dead hostage takers, or, as I like to call them, refuse.

The Algerian government is being blamed for jumping the gun on its rescue mission. After three days of a bloody stand-off, Algerian troops stormed the gas plant that was under siege – which resulted in pretty much everyone dying. Mainly because the terrorists began executing the hostages once the fun started.

Other countries are now saying, “Oh, we weren’t informed, we could have done it better, we could have ended this with more survivors, blah di bloo di blah.” Algeria’s position is, “Sorry, we don’t negotiate with terrorists.” And to that, may I add, especially not terrorists who are killing the hostages anyway, who are strapped to the gills with explosives, and who come from a radical culture where suicide is the expected outcome of a violent event. Kind of tough to negotiate with someone who actually wants you to shoot him. It’s like going up to an alcoholic at a party and saying, “Look, I can either drive you home, or I can pour you another scotch.” That’s a win-win either way for the booze-hound.

Terrorists are sick, desperate people who can be dealt with in only the most extreme, desperate ways. Like full-on raids, waterboarding and being forced to watch “Teen Mom 2.”

We can mince words all we want so as not to offend Saudi Arabia and Qatar and UAE and other countries that could afford to buy the Statue of Liberty and sell it back to us in pieces. However, until every country, east and west, takes full action in crushing radical, violent Islam, we’re just gonna get more Algerias, more World Trade Centers, more Koran-concocted carnage. Just ask Israel, which has endured sixty years of anti-Semitism and anti-Americanism disguised as Palestinian nationalism. Israel realizes: the only way to say “no more” is to say, “no,” more. And that means, when terrorism rears its ugly covered head, you gotta put the religion of peace in a world of pain.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

(c) 2013 TotalTheater. All rights reserved.
algiers

Leave a comment

Filed under RABBINICAL REFLECTIONS