Airs Dec. 24, 2016 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube:
Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of December 25, 2016.
Events of the past few months notwithstanding, it is not yet the apocalypse. However, we do have a stunning occurrence coming upon us: as we speak, Chanukah and Christmas have arrived at exactly the same time. I have spoken before, some would say at unconscionable length, about not conflating the two holidays. They come from two very different, irreconcilable religions. I don’t begrudge my Christian brethren and sistren, but don’t put a Jewish star on top of a Christmas tree and expect me to feel grateful.
In fact, the only thing I feel gratitude for these days is that 2016 is coming to a merciful end. I don’t need to tell you what a long, meshuggenah trip it’s been. Or maybe I do, in verse form.
`Tis the first night of Chanukah
From Tampa to Tulsa
The candles are burning
Just like my ulcer
The dreidels are spinning
The latkes are frying
The Muslims are killing
The people are dying
The year has been tough
That couldn’t be clearer
Here’s your rear-view mirror
The campaign for president took a dark journey
As Democrat dummies picked Hil and screwed Bernie
Huckabee, Kasich, Rubio, Paul
The louder they got, the harder they’d fall
Jindal and Christie, Carson and Cruz
But then Donald Trump bubbled up from the ooze
He battered Ms. Clinton for being a female
She stumbled and fumbled and mishandled email
Trump lied and insulted and mocked with each Tweet
But then he fell in with the party elite
And lo and behold, as he, alone, expected
The con-artist clown is the guy we elected
If that’s not enough to make us all wretch
There’s plenty more reasons about which I’ll kvetch
There’s Brexit and Brussels and murder in Mosul
While Syria looks like a garbage disposal
All across Europe, security sucks
Who’s teaching these young Arab men to drive trucks?
The Istanbul bomber ignited our fears
Another putz shot up a club full of queers
Mosquitoes with zika came in for the kill
While lyin’ Ryan Lochte shamed us in Brazil
Hurricane Matthew brought death and disaster
A wild Turkish cop shot the Russian ambass’dor
An EgyptAir plane crashed into the sea
And North Carolina won’t let trannies pee
All over the world, ISIS steps up attacks
While our police fire at black people’s backs
If that’s not enough to make you all wince
2016 took Bowie and Prince
Gene Wilder, George Martin, and Elie Wiesel
Scalia and Castro — well, they went to hell
So long, Leonard Cohen
Farewell, Harper Lee
Goodbye, Abe Vigoda . . . finally
We lost Garry Shandling, who wasn’t a sick man
We lost Alan Thicke, and Alan Rickman
Muhammad Ali is no longer standing
And hero John Glenn came in for a landing
Merle Haggard, Ed Albee, and Zsa Zsa Gabor
And Fyvush and Blowfly and too many more
But okay, let’s admit the pipeline was stalled
The Cubs and the Indians played ball in the fall
The stock market zoomed to new heights every day
And Hamilton swept all the Tonys away
Manatees moved from endangered to threatened
And a new subway line was built in Manhetten.
So though it was harsh, absurdist, and mean
Shalom to the year 2016
The lesson it taught us with every new curse:
As bad as things are, they’re bound to get worse.
Happy American Rosh Hashanah everyone! See you in 5778!
This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches, in Great Neck, New York. Shanah Tolerable.
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