Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection #13 (4/24/11) – EASTER

Aired 4/23/11 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube: Easter (4/24/11)

Shalom, Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon, with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of April 24th, 2011.

April 24th is a big day for our Christian brethren because it is Easter Sunday, the day that commemorates Jesus rising from the dead. According to the story, Jesus was crucified, pulled off the cross, and buried in a tomb. Three days later, they move away the rock – because that’s what you always do after you bury someone, you go back in and make sure they’re dead – and lo and behold, no corpse. The cave was empty.

And then, depending on which gospel you read, Jesus started appearing to his followers. He returned from the dead and visited his old pals. He saw the apostle Peter, and Paul, and Thomas – the famous “doubting Thomas.” Jesus said to him, “You don’t believe I’m dead? Stick your fingers in my wrist holes.” That’s actually in the book of John. Jesus telling Thomas, “You don’t think it’s me? Why don’t you blow in my feet like an ocarina? What? Disgusting? I spend seven hours bleeding to death on a cross, and you don’t wanna get goo on your face? Forget `doubting Thomas’; I’m gonna call you `asshole Thomas.’ How do you like that, ha? Pussyboy asshole Thomas. Now shut up and put your thumb in my ankle.”

I dunno. Obviously, I don’t believe in the whole resurrection thing, or any part of the Jesus story. But what intrigues me is the accepted idea that Jesus rose on the third day, and on the 40th day, he ascended to heaven. That leaves 37 days – nearly a month and a half – when he’s the walking dead, strolling around Bethlehem and wherever.

Wouldn’t that have been enough time to…I dunno…do anything? The gospels are very cryptic about his whereabouts all those weeks. Which is another reason they’re so suspect. If somebody rose from the dead, wouldn’t you follow them everywhere? Wouldn’t you take notes on every single thing they did? Instead: one visit here, an appearance there, a possible sighting in New Mexico.

And what if you were Jesus coming back to earth – what would you do? Was he still wounded? If he was part-human; maybe he went to a hospital, got himself re-hydrated, a couple of splints, maybe a chest x-ray.

And when he felt better… I don’t think they had guns in those days, but don’t you think he would’ve grabbed a sharp sword and gone looking for some people?

If I were Jesus, I’d be like, “Hello, there. Remember me? Oh, that’s right, you didn’t see my face. You were too busy looking at my back while you were whipping it 39 times. Ohhh..no hard feelings. You were just doing as you were told. But, see, I’m the son of God now. So you have two choices: I can either put this sword through your head, or you can take me to Herod, and then I’ll put this sword through your head. Who? Pilate? Oh, I’ve been to Pilate. His courtroom, as a matter of fact. Let’s just say I put his gavel in a very interesting place.”

Now, see? If the New Testament read like that, I’d believe in it. Here you’ve got the son of God coming back with six weeks on earth to wreak havoc, get revenge, maybe get a little somethin’-somethin’ from Mary Magdalene. Or the reverse – maybe he uses his post-mortem super powers to unite everyone on the planet, prove that he’s divine and turn the whole world Christian.

But no. He comes back, a few people see him, and then he goes off to God. What a wasted opportunity! Which is why I’d sooner believe in the Easter Bunny than Jesus. But that’s just me. I certainly wish our goyische friends and neighbors a happy holiday, with lots of good family gatherings and frilly bonnets and chocolate bunnies.

Although speaking of food, it does occur to me that if the last supper was, as they say, a Passover Seder, that means for his final days on earth, Jesus could eat only Kosher-for-Pesach meals. Forget all the other tortures of the crucifixion; can you imagine how constipated he was? That poor bastard.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches, in Great Neck, NY.

(c) 2011 TotalTheater. All rights reserved.

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