Aired March 5, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4rCkMKFLV5M
Shalom Dammit, this is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of March 6th, 2011.
We’re innocent! Innocent, I tell you! We didn’t do it!
And it’s taken only one thousand, nine hundred and 78 years for the goyim to believe us.
Pope Benedict the 16th’s new book, “Jesus of Nazareth” – not to be confused with his previous book, “An Old-Fashioned Girl” – the Pope’s new book officially exonerates the Jews of killing Jesus. His holiness writes that there is no biblical or theological basis to the claim that Jews are responsible for murdering Christ.
Now, Benedict is not the first Pope to say this. Fifty years ago, Pope John the 23rd drafted – and Pope Paul the 6th signed – a decree that says Catholics should respect all other religions, and that Jews are off the finally hook for the J.C. rap. It was a generous but generic gesture, like saying, “Deep down, we still think you did it, but we can’t prove it so…bygones.”
The difference here is that Benny goes into great legal and logical detail on how the Jews couldn’t possibly be guilty on this, then or now.
Personally, I’ve always been shocked and offended by the accusation that I killed Jesus. I’ve never killed anyone in my life. I would like to. I have a wish list. Like this guy who cut me off on the parkway yesterday. Doesn’t look, doesn’t signal, he’s on a cell phone –this guy: hand me the nails! But Jesus? A little before my time.
Now, according to the great big book of myths, or as other people like to call it, “The New Testament,” Jews were angry at Jesus and asking the Romans to get rid of him.
He was annoying, he was making trouble with the authorities, he was healing people, but then they’d die of secondary infections. So assuming the Jesus story did happen, let us grant that Jews may have fomented an atmosphere unconducive to the son of Mary. But they didn’t kill him any more than the Spice Girls killed John Lennon.
As a matter of fact, it says very clearly in the Gospels that Jesus was tried by the Jewish courts and then handed over to the Romans. The Romans mocked him, tortured him, dragged him through the streets and crucified him. Not the Jews – the Romans.
Well, that solves the mystery! Who lives in Rome? Italians. So why haven’t we spent 2000 years blaming Italians for the crucifixion?
Ten’ll get you twenty, it was the Mafia. Think about it. The Romans were always asking for tax payoffs and tributes from anyone in their territory. The Romans were known for eating and drinking freely, and then orgies, like the guidos on “The Jersey Shore.” And when it came to Jesus – first he was subject to a conspiracy, then they made him an offer, but he refused; then he was betrayed with a kiss – just like Michael and Fredo in “Godfather II.”
Since 33 AD, blame for the crucifixion has been diverted away from the Guineas, to the Sheenies, and, until very recently, the Vatican has been complicit in the cover-up.
Now, I don’t believe in Jesus, so if the Italians did murder him, it’s no fringe off my tallis. But to think of the crusades, the Holocaust, the Mel Gibson tirades – all of this could have been ameliorated by some pope, somewhere, going, “I know it’s fun to blame the Jews, and they do make lousy tennis partners, but the Jesus thing: it wasn’t them. Get over it.”
And to think, the Pope who breaks the silence spent his early years in the Hitler Youth. That’s like Ted Nugent becoming a spokesman for PETA. It’s like Osama bin Laden joining the B’nai Brith. It’s like Fred Phelps changing from a civil-rights activist into a homophobic madman. Oh wait, that one actually happened.
Anyhoo, I give due credit to Pope Benedict for doing his part to refute an old lie. Will it make any difference to anti-Semitism? Will it stop hate crimes and skinheads and venomous postings on the web? Please, we have a better chance of Messiah coming next week wearing a girdle, a football jersey and a strap-on.
But kudos to Papa Benny, because to help instead of hurt is always a good thing, especially since the jury will forever be out on who really killed Jesus. I dunno, but am I the only one who saw O.J. Simpson’s white limo leaving the scene?
This has been a Rabbinical Reflection by Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York. Dominus nabisco.
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