aired January 22, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oWUWkjdRhb0
Shalom, Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of January 23, 2011.
On Tuesday, television personality Regis Philbin announced that he would leave his long-running morning talk show, “Regis and Kelly,” at the end of the summer.
Mornings without Regis. Can you imagine it? That’s like breakfast without fiber. You can do it, but the rest of the day, you regret it.
Let’s give the man his props. He started in TV in the 1950s, and got his first national exposure playing second fiddle to Joey Bishop. As television goes, that’s just slightly higher than the guy who cleans coffee filters in the green room.
But Regis stuck with it. He went through show after show, failure after failure, until finally, he found his niche. I know when a proctologist found my niche, it hurt like hell.
In 1985, Philbin was muddling through a New York morning talk show when they paired him with Kathie Lee Gifford. They fit together like blintzes and sour cream, like onions and chopped liver, like mayonnaise and whatever it is goyim put mayonnaise on.
And when Kathie Lee left, everybody worried – “Oh! What will happen to the show? Will Regis be able to find that chemistry with another annoying female? But along came Kelly Ripa, and not only was she hot like pastrami, she was peppery, like cole slaw.
I really need to stop writing these sermons when I’m hungry.
They made a nice team; Kelly’s verve and muscular arms modulating his wry wit and creeping senility.
But all good things come to an end, and 79-year-old Regis Philbin has decided it’s time to wrap up the microphone and drain his morning cup of Metamucil.
Speculation has already begun as to what Ripa will do when Regis goes. Names are being floated for the co-host gig: Neil Patrick Harris, Anderson Cooper, and even some heterosexuals.
If I may be so bold – and if there’s one thing people know about me, it’s that I may be so bold – might I suggest that I, Rabbi Sol Solomon, be the new co-host of the program. “Rebbe and Ripa.” “Sol and the Skank.” “Kelly and the Ki – ” well, anyway.
But think of it. I have so much to offer a morning chat show. I’m lively, quirky.. I have great legs. I can banter with Kelly about sports teams, like, “Ooh, how about those Colorado Broncos. Are there any Jews on that team?”
I can do zany but informative cooking segments. Like bringing in a live cow and slaughtering it to demonstrate kashrut.
And when there are guests, I can ask pointed questions like, “So, Edie Falco. In the fifth chapter of Levitticus, HaShem warns against touching the carcass of an unclean beast. With that in mind, what was it like kissing James Gandolfini?”
I can even do the trivia questions, you know, with the wheel. Like this: “On yesterday’s show, we asked Justin Bieber whether he’s circumcised. Was his answer yes, no, or yes but badly?”
I would be the best thing to happen to morning television since J. Fred Muggs, and I certainly smell better. (sniffs) Well, maybe not, but, hey, we could be “Kelly and Smelly!”
My dear listeners, I belong on network television. Like car crashes and earthshaking tragedies. I would be a breath of fresh air (sniffs) well, if you don’t stand too close.
Please write to your local ABC affiliates and tell them, “You Want the Rabbi! You Want the Rabbi!” Gelman’s Jewish, he’ll understand. And if he doesn’t, there’s got to be one of our people controlling the media who will.
So Kelly, if you’re listening: forget the husband, forget the rotating co-hosts; go for the angry Jew. Your ratings will be like Mel Gibson’s wife: they won’t know what hit them, or why.
This has been a Rabbinical Reflection by Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York. See you on the boob tube!
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