Rabbi Sol Solomon in “SHALOM DAMMIT!” Live – March 13-17 in NYC

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Contact: Dave Lefkowitz: 970-405-3077, shalomdammit_at_aol.com

“SHALOM DAMMIT! AN EVENING WITH RABBI SOL SOLOMON” to be staged at the Richmond Shepard Theater, 309 East 26^th St., March 13-17.

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TotalTheater Productions is presenting the new comedy with music, “SHALOM DAMMIT! An Evening with Rabbi Sol Solomon.”

Conceived, co-written and directed by Dave Lefkowitz and starring Rabbi Sol Solomon, “SHALOM DAMMIT!” offers the Rabbi’s wit and wisdom on such topics as world religions, intolerance, Christianity, Arabs and Muslims, the Holocaust and other aspects of modern Jewish life.  Punctuating the Rabbi’s sermon will be such songs as “Then You’re Jewish,” “I Know What Goys Like” and “When Jewish is What You Are.”

Joining Rabbi Sol onstage will be musical director Richard Shore.

The performance schedule for “SHALOM DAMMIT!” is:

Tues March 13, 2pm

Wed March 14, 7:30pm

Thurs March 15, 2pm

Fri March 16, 2pm

Sat March 17, 2pm

Running time: 2 hrs, 10 min.

Parental caution: adult themes, strong language and pervasive Jewishness.

Tickets are $18. Students/Seniors: $15. Group discounts available.  Credit cards accepted via Paypal (to: holvoe_at_aol.com) or Brown Paper Tickets (800-838-3006 or brownpapertickets.com).

Information/Reservations (cash/checks): 970-405-3077

Location: Richmond Shepard Theater: 309 East 26^th St. (2^nd Ave). Subway: #6 to 28^th St. Wheelchair accessible.

Press coverage and reviews are welcome for this fully staged, one-Rabbi comedy in-development.  Open seating is on a “first-come, first-disturbed” basis.

More about the Rabbi: www.ShalomDammit.com and on Facebook at: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003292797312

Says Rabbi Sol about “Shalom Dammit!”: “I want to be clear – this show is not just for Jewish people!  Everyone is welcome.  We just ask that gentiles use the side entrance and don’t touch anything.  But seriously, so much of life involves pain, suffering and discomfort, what’s another hour or two?”

Audience responses to the show’s Nov. 2011 workshop included these quotes: “…sneaky, provocative, pointed and thoroughly hysterical!” and “Sacha Baron Cohen – move over!!!!  Make way for Rabbi Sol Solomon!!”

BIOS:

Rabbi Sol Solomon (Himself) is the spiritual leader of Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York. Despite the valiant efforts of programming directors and city governments, Rabbi Sol continues to appear on numerous radio stations and make personal appearances wherever there’s free food.  His Rabbinical Reflections air weekly on UNC Radio’s Dave’s Gone By and are then archived on Youtube and ShalomDammit.com.  A learned scholar and a thrilling kvetch, Rabbi Sol’s hobbies include burping and pain management.  The Rebbe dedicates this evening to his dear wife, Miriam Libby, and their 21½ mostly beautiful children.

Dave Lefkowitz (Co-creator) is the host of Dave’s Gone By on UNC Radio (davesgoneby.com), the co-publisher of Performing Arts Insider theater journal, and the founder of TotalTheater.com.  Dave’s plays include Kandide (winner Lee Korf Award and produced by The Original Theater Works, L.A.), The Triple Wedding, and the one-acts The Sky is Calling, Human Error, King Solomon the Wise and the oft-produced Blind Date. A collection of his plays, “Marriage, Babies and the End of the World,” was published by Holvoe Books, St. Petersburg, and his theater writing has appeared in BackStage, Playbill, Show Business and Entertainment Weekly.  As a performer, he hosted “Stagebuddy.com Live” at the Player’s Theater in 2009-10.  Dave’s monthly theater column appears in Long Island Pulse, and he has written numerous cover stories for Long Island Woman magazine.

Richard Shore (Musical Director) once considered entering the rabbinate until he met Sol Solomon.  After many lengthy discussions with the great tzadik, he now works happily in the theater and academia.  Among his many accomplishments, Richard has been music director for Fiddler on the Roof six times.
TotalTheater Productions is the parent company of TotalTheater.com, Performing Arts Insider and the radio program, Dave’s Gone By.  Industry support is sought to reach the goal of bringing Shalom Dammit! to an off-Broadway venue in the 2012-2013 season.

For photos, interview requests, investment/backing opportunities and discount colonoscopies, please contact:

TotalTheater Productions: POB 31, Greeley, CO 80632. 970-405-3077; shalomdammit_at_aol.com.

 – END –

Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection #37 (2/5/12): More Jokes

RABBINICAL REFLECTION #37 – More Jokes

Aired Feb. 4, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: More Jokes.

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of February 5th, 2012.

Well, on Tuesday, Mr. Groundhog poked his tuchas outside the ground and declared that we’re stuck with six more weeks of winter.  A gloomy prediction, especially since three days later, Colorado got its first snowstorm in a month and a half.

So in order to brighten your damp and precipitative week, I thought I would share some jokes with you – jokes of a Jewish nature.

The first concerns Sadie, an old Jewish woman, working for fifty years in the garment district in New York.

One evening she’s coming home from work, she’s on the subway, and a tall, rather strange-looking man in a long raincoat comes over and stands in front of her.

Suddenly, he opens his coat and flashes her, showing her everything God gave him.

Sadie looks, and looks, and looks, and finally she sighs and says, “You call this a lining?”

Now, what do we learn from this joke?  We learn two things, both of them contradictory – which is par for the course with virtually everything Talmudic.  First, we learn that concentrating, and focusing on what you know best can sometimes protect you from harm.  Sadie zoning in on the raincoat instead of the man’s puckel might have spared her embarrassment or shock or even rape.  And so, when we are at work and trying to finish a task, if we apply ourselves to that – instead of getting caught up in office politics and gossip and bad advice – we are more likely to complete the job in front of us.

On the other hand, the joke also tells us there is something sad about Sadie.  Here’s an old woman, so beaten down by life and work that she doesn’t even notice a naked man poking his peter at her punim.  We must not get so wrapped up in our daily burdens, or, for that matter, our hobbies and addictions, that we become oblivious to the wangs in front of our eyes.

Do I contradict myself?  Very well, then, I contradict myself.  To quote Walt Whitman, “I am large.  I contain multitudes.”  I just wish I could contain my urine better but, that’s my problem.  On to another joke – this one about an old man.

He’s in the hospice, he’s dying, and his 60-year-old wife is by his bedside.

“Rivka,” he says.  “Tell me the truth.  In our forty years of marriage, were you ever unfaithful?”

Rivka remains silent.

“Rivka?  Did you hear me?  I asked if you’ve ever been with another man?”

“Chaim,” she says, “I don’t understand the question.”

“Don’t understand the – ?  Just tell me.  I won’t be mad.  I’m dying.  I would just like to know.  During our marriage, did you ever shtup another man?”

Again, Rivka says nothing.

“Rivkie, Rivkie, what’s the problem?”

His wife looks at him and says, “I’m worried.  What if I tell you, and you don’t die?”

This is a charming little joke about sex and death, two things that obsess most Jews and gave Woody Allen a career.  Perhaps we learn from this joke that we all have to answer for our actions at one point or another.  If not today, maybe in a month.  If not in a year, maybe in our final days.  Maybe in olam haba.  So it’s a caution that whenever we embark on doing something that maybe we shouldn’t – maybe we shouldn’t.

Okay, last joke, perfect for the season.  Little Yussi is a Russian immigrant, and he’s sitting in grammar school and trying to keep up in English.

The teacher says, “Class: it’s vocabulary time.  Can anyone here use the word `cultivate’ in a sentence?”

Nobody raises a hand.

Again, the teacher says, “Come, somebody must know this word.  Cultivate.  Use it in a sentence.  Anyone?”

After another minute, Yussi raises his hand.

“Great, Yussi.  What’s your sentence?”

Yussi says, “Vell, in the vinter, ven it’s snowing and you’re vaiting for the school bus, you should go indoors because it’s too cul-ti-vate.”

I didn’t say it was a good joke, I just said it was a joke.  One could even say it’s a kosher spin on that old line about the weather in Mexico: chili today and hot tamale.  Also, it’s a reminder that puns, although specific to a language and dialect, are universal in their power to trick us and make us go, “ohhhhyy, I hate puns.”  And if we can all be brought a little closer together through our hatred and disgust, wouldn’t that make the world a better place?

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches.

(c) 2012 TotalTheater. All rights reserved.

Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection #36 – Jewish GPS

RABBINICAL REFLECTION #36 (1/28/12): Jewish GPS

Aired Jan. 28, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By.  Youtube Clip: Jewish GPS

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of January 28th, 2012.

Now, I don’t ordinarily attach my name to a company or product . . . because no one has asked me before, but I am proud to say that has changed. The Garminsky Corporation has asked me to be the spokesman for their newest release – the Jewish G.P.S. Or, as we call it, Gimel, Peh, Shin.

Not only am I the willing shill for this fine, location-tracking device, but they have asked me to contribute my voice and personality to the recorded system. It’s still in prototype mode, but the idea is to give drivers searching for a location a haimische Jewish experience on the way towards their destination.

For example. I’m gonna switch it on. Takes a minute to boot up. Okay, let’s make believe we’re driving to the kosher butcher, about five miles away. Or, as the goyim say, “kilometers.” I just push the button, and the Gimel Peh Shin tells me where to go.

“Please drive to highlighted route. Dammit.”

Okay, let’s pretend I’m pulling out of the driveway…

“Please drive to highlighted route. Dammit.”

All, right, all right, I’m driving.

“Good. If you look to the left of your computer screen, that means you’re not looking
at the road, so in .1 mile, you will crash into a utility pole. Heh heh heh heh, just
kidding. But keep your eye on the street, goddammit, and get ready to turn in .2 miles.”

Okay, I can do that. Moving on . . .

“Turn left. No – wait! Turn right. Sorry, my fault. now you have to go around.”

I told you it was a prototype. Okay, I’m going around the block now.

“In .1 mile, turn left. The other left. Good. In 300 feet, turn right. Or don’t turn right,
do what you want, it’s your funeral.”

Now, we’re on the road to the butcher, and you can calibrate the Gimel Peh Shin to give you extra information. Like:

“On your left, you’ll find Mrs. Schimmelbaum taking her daily stroll.
Notice the grin on her face because she’s having a torrid affair with her osteopath.”

Okay, sometimes there’s more information than you need. But other times, the device can be a godsend:

“Warning! Black neighborhood in .5 miles! Roll up all windows and cover your
laptop with a schmattah.”

The Jewish G.P.S. can also be programmed to avoid highways, tolls and outlet clothing stores, making it a must-have for every Jewish husband. You can also program the device to provide weather updates, baseball scores, pop lyrics and the entire Mincha synagogue service.

“Arriving at destination parking lot. Enter store and make sure the bastard doesn’t
cheat you on the cold cuts.”

My friends, the Gimel Peh Shin is the latest advancement in driving technology. And not to brag, but the Jewish G.P.S. is so much better than the Greek one, which forces you to back in everywhere, and the Polish one, which just smashes you into your garage.

Coming soon to a store near you, the Jewish G.P.S. It takes you where it thinks you should go.

“Please drive to highlighted route. Really? McDonald’s? Cheeseburgers? No,
I’m taking you to Kosher King. Now shut up and drive.”

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches.

(c) 2012 TotalTheater. All rights reserved.

Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection #35 (1/22/12): Gay Tel Aviv

RABBINICAL REFLECTION #35 – Gay Tel Aviv

Scheduled to air Jan. 21, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By.
Youtube clip: Gay Tel Aviv

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of January 22nd, 2012.

It is rare for the traditionally downtrodden and fearful Jewish people to have a gay old time.  But if they want an old gay time, guess where they should go?  Not Christopher Street, not Miami, not Madrid – believe it or not the answer is Tel Aviv.

In a worldwide survey by GayCities.com, Tel Aviv, Israel, was voted the best gay travel destination of 2011.  Unfortunately, 2011 is over, so…they kind of missed the boat on promoting it, but still – what a feather in the beret for Israel as a place of tolerance, empathy and, one imagines, musical theater.

Now, I’m sure not all Jews are thrilled about this.  The Orthodox Rabbinate is probably wringing their beards over the moral destruction of the holy land whenever two men wanna hold hands and cross pukels.  But the rest of us know: live and let live.  Just like New York, Tel Aviv has a giant annual Pride Parade, where, just like New York, all the Jews on the sidewalk are too short and can’t see anything.  61 percent – higher than anywhere else in the world – 61 percent of the Israeli population supports gay marriage.  As the joke goes, why should straight people be the only ones allowed to be miserable?  Gay people even serve openly in the Israeli armed forces.  This is not surprising, since a soldier never leaves his buddies’ behind.

But seriously, Israel takes a lot of lumps from Palestinian apologists, self-hating Jewish liberals, anti-Semites and people who look for any excuse to question why America supports Yisroel with money and military hardware.  Here is your partial answer: Do you think Syria would make the gay cities list?  How about Lebanon?  Saudi Arabia?  Iran?  The so-called new Egypt?

Try being a homosexual in any one of these places and see where it gets you.  I’ll tell you where it gets you: pummeled with stones and hanging from a tent with your shmekel cut off.  Granted, some homosexuals may enjoy this, but most would not.  Most would prefer the freedom to be what they wanna be in Tel Aviv.

Now, I myself am not gay, but some of my best friends take it up the Hitler hole.  And just as Israel itself is a sanctuary for Jews just in case, someday, nowhere else in the world will accept and protect them.  Perhaps Tel Aviv can stand as th at place for people of the GLBTQAFRZN13Y persuasion.  And maybe Haifa will one day be a refuge for the retarded, and quadriplegics will romp in Ramat Gan, and stutterers will hold conventions in Petach Tikvah.  Let Israel be the foreign legion: the place where good people with the odds against them can thrive and be winners.

May Tel Aviv stand as a lesson, a goal, a model of how life could be for all of us.  Open, free, supportive, and decorated fabulously.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches.

(c) 2012 TotalTheater. All rights reserved.

Rabbinical Reflection #34 (1/15/12): Mitt Romney

RABBINICAL REFLECTION #34 – Mitt Romney

Scheduled to air Jan. 14, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: Mitt Romney

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of January 15th, 2012.

At the time of this writing, Mitt Romney is the front-runner in the race for Republican Presidential candidate.  This is exciting because three weeks ago, Newt Gingrich was the front-runner in the race.  Three weeks before that it was Rick Perry, and before that it was Herman Cain the schvartze, before that it was Michelle Bachmann the cuckoo-head, and before that I think it was Danny Bonaduce, and Ted Bundy, and Jayne Mansfield, and the guy who punches himself in the head outside Caribou Coffee.  I think Spongebob was in there somewhere, too.  And who knows, in three more weeks, we might have another non-Rom in the red-state sweepstakes.

Not that I’m complaining.  The longer Republicans can’t figure out what they want, the less time they’ll have to mount a conservative, Christian-based attack on the White House.  Not that I love Obama so much but gevalt!  If this is the best the Republicans can do after four years, it makes you understand how they settled on the Bush family two decades ago.  I wonder if Dick Cheney was sitting in a think tank going, “Okay, we can either have George and George Dubya or… – what? The Menendez Brothers?  The Lohans?  Does Charlie Manson have any kids?”

Seriously, in politics, what rises to the top is either debris, like Sarah Palin, or an oil slick, like Perry and Romney.  It’s a shame, but if you float on the surface, you wash over those who dive deeper.

But here’s what I don’t get.  In the Iowa Caucus held two weeks ago, Mitt Romney topped Rick Santorum by eight votes.  That’s out of 60,000 votes cast between them.  Less than 4,000 votes behind was Ron Paul.  In other words, out of nearly a hundred thousand votes cast, less than 4000 votes separated Romney, Santorum and Paul.  And yet, a day later, Mitt Romney was all but coronated as the runaway winner.

Now let me be clear: I’d be happy to see Rick Santorum’s bible thumping lead to his quick exodus, and I don’t trust Ron Paul, who never met an embryo he didn’t like or a homosexual he did.  But how did a statistical tie and virtual threeway – and not the good kind of virtual threeway you see on Redtube – how did this dead heat immediately become a landslide win for mighty Mitt?  Is it because the Republicans did not want to spend millions fighting a battle they figured Romney would eventually win anyway?  Is it because everyone in both parties is shaking in their boots over Ron Paul, because like him or not, he’s the only real game changer?  Or is it simply because Mitt Romney looks like the privileged son of Ronald Reagan and George Hamilton, and thinks like the privileged son of Ronald Reagan and Max Headroom?

Barring an economic collapse between now and November, Barack Obama has a strong shot at another four years.  So maybe the real story of the GOP is, “look, we run Romney now, go easy on the war chest, so we can bring out the big guns in 2016.”   Of course, by current Republican standards, the big gun could be Fred Phelps or Jack van Impe.

As a liberal, and as a middle-aged man jealous of anyone with a full head of hair, I can’t see voting for Romney.  But if you’re not going to support him, please don’t support him for the right reasons.  It bothers me when people say Romney is unelectable simply because he’s a Mormon.  It’s like a dirty word; it’s like voodoo to some people.  “Ooh, he must be crazy because he believes in a crazy religion.”  As if Judaism and Christianity weren’t based on fairy tales and sanctimony.  Not to mention sanctimonious fairy tales.

Look, if you’ve ever stayed in a Marriott or watched the BYU Cougars in the NCAA, you know that crazy does not mean incompetent. And as a Jew, I also feel a kinship with the Mormons.  We both believe in rules written on giant tablets.  We both wear amusing undergarments.  (Mine happen to have yellow stains on the front, but that’s not religion, that’s prostatitis.)  We both think there’s something to be said for having one god and many wives.  And finally, we both believe that the United States of America is a magnificent and even blessed place.  Or at least it was until the last gang of Republicans got through with it.

So if the 2012 G.O.P. candidate for president is, indeed, going to be Mitt Romney, I wish him a clean, fair, exciting and losing battle.  Not that I wish him ill, but it’s the quickest path to his obvious true calling: future game-show host on Fox.  Hey, if he were up against Santorum on CBN and Michelle Bachman on “Bridezillas” he’d get my vote.  Just, not against Ron Paul on Public Access.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches.

(c) 2012 TotalTheater. All rights reserved.

Rabbinical Reflection #33 (12/18/11): Newt Gingrich

RABBINICAL REFLECTION #33 – Newt Gingrich

Scheduled to air Dec. 17, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: Newt Gingrich

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of December 18th, 2011.

What do you do when a man who represents so many wrong things gets one thing incredibly, magnificently right?

That is the question facing voters following Newt Gingrich’s performance in the G.O.P. debates last week.  Asked about his unwavering support for Israel, the presidential candidate made clear that Israel is a friend, and that the Arabs are no friend to Israel.  He reminded the world that, quote, “every day, rockets are fired into Israel” – something people forget when they bitch about Israel’s aggressiveness or targeting of Hezbollah.

Gingrich also said the magic words, “It’s fundamentally time for somebody to stand up and say, `enough lying about the middle east,’” unquote.  Considering that every other liberal is a Palestinian apologist, and every news program bends over backwards to make it look like Israel and Hamas are two sides of the same coin, it’s a pleasure to hear somebody say, “No, Israel is a legitimate homeland, the Arabs invented Palestinia just to have a grudge.”

Naturally, the media jumped on Gingrich saying, “well, of course there’s a Palestine, and of course some Arabs lived there.”  And the Arabs jumped on him for saying they’re terrorists.  Talk about the pot calling the camel black.

And just to seal the deal of Newt being a mensch on this, he also reminded the world that Hamas and the Palestinians still refuse to recognize Israel as a place on the map.  Which means if you’re in Jordan, and you wanna take a dip in the Mediterranean, you’d better take a pretty goddamn long jump.

Now, Mitt Romney admonished Gingrich for stirring the pot, for inciting the Arabs with his words.  But Mitt, if the Arabs are so peaceful and non-violent, why are you terrified of what they might do?

Just to be clear, Romney and the other candidates also affirmed their support for Israel. They ganged up on Gingrich, but it’s not like he’s the only one saying rah-rah Jewish homeland.  Does this mean the Republicans are pandering to the Jewish vote?  Sure!  And more power to them!  Pander pander pander!  Makes a nice change from us having to go to Obama and grovel sometimes.  Not all the time – he’s a friend – but sometimes.

Politicians on both sides pander to every special interest group, from oil frackers to casino builders, so if Republicans wanna make nice-nice to the only democracy in the middle east, I’m down with that.  And if Newt Gingrich is the only one with the stones to really tell it like it is, that should be taken into consideration.

Alas for him, we also have to take into consideration that Newt is anti-gay, anti-art funding, and not exactly a fan of separating church from state.  Last week he called my house.  Well, not him, some kind of automatic tape recorder.  It called my house to lambaste Obama and decry the way America has gone downhill under his stewardship.  So I heard the usual Republican shpiel about taxes, and too much government and taking America back.  But Newt also tossed in the word “secular.”  In a negative way.  We must rescue America from the godless blue staters and their secular ways.

Well, “sec” on this, Newt.  America may be one nation under God, but it ain’t for you to say which God that is.  For me, it’s HaShem.  For you it’s the bearded guy.  For the Chinese, it’s a bunch of dead ancestors.  Which must be pretty confusing for a Chinese kid wondering which god to ask for a bike for Christmas.  “Is it great-great-grandma Chong?  No, she only gives musical instruments.  What about Uncle Gao from the Tang Dynasty?  No he’s the one who pays you when your teeth fall out.  Crap, I know I’ll get another sweater, I know it!”

But I digress.  Let’s give a qualified cheer to Newt Gingrich.  I can’t say he has my vote, but he has my gratitude for pushing past the platitudes with the fortitude and certitude of his attitude.  Keep at it, dude.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches.

(c) 2011 TotalTheater. All rights reserved.

Rabbinical Reflection #32 (12/11/11): Post Office

RABBINICAL REFLECTION #32 – Post Office

Scheduled to air Dec. 10, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: Post Office

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of December 11th, 2011.

Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet, nor gloom of night, nor budget cuts will stay these couriers from the swift completion of – oh, wait, the budget-cut part. Yeah, that’ll keep them from their appointed rounds.

Starting in 2012, the United States post office will continue doing what every other company in America is doing – charging more and giving less. First, they’re gonna raise the price of a stamp from 44 cents to 45 cents. A penny for your thoughts? Oh, I think they know what we’re thinking.

But okay, it’s only a cent, and it’s easier to make change with 45 than 44 anyway. But wait, there’s more. They’re also going to close processing centers and fire workers, meaning that delivery of first-class mail will slow down by a day or two. Just what customers in a society that demands everything yesterday want. No wonder people are P.O.’d at the P.O.

But, let’s be honest. Does anybody really send a first-class letter expecting it to be there the next day? If it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight, you empty your wallet and you give it to FedEx. Or a courier service. Or a really stocky carrier pigeon.

Honestly, this whole business of first-class mail not getting first-class service – we’re used to that. If you still pay bills the old-fashioned way, write the checks a day or two earlier, just to be on the safe side. And if you’re expecting pharmaceuticals in the mail, well, you can suffer a few hours of pain and distress. It’ll just make you appreciate the medicine more when it finally arrives.

But it won’t arrive on a Saturday. That’s right, Uncle Sam will also do away with all weekend delivery. While it’s nice that they want to take Shabbos off, does it occur to you like it does to me that the post office is making cuts that will only result in people using them less? It’s a vicious cycle: revenues are down, so prices go up and services get cut, leading customers use more email, fax and skype. This brings revenues further down. Prices go even higher, more services get cut, customers start using snail mail only for emergencies. Which makes revenues go down, prices go – all right, you get what I’m saying.

How about a new model? The post office is almost bankrupt anyway, so why not try something radical? Five cents to mail a postcard. Ten cents for a letter, $3 to mail a Christmas gift. Already, overnight mail is half the price of UPS and FedEx, but add guaranteed delivery and tracking. Make the USPS the first choice rather than the last resort. Give people a reason to run to the Post Office – “Ooh, I can send my uncle a birthday card for a dime.” “Wow, I can send my kid a care package for camp and have money left over to throw in two more candy bars.” “Hey, if I send an envelope filled with anthrax to a politician, I know it’ll be there in time for me to alert the media.”

I realize the postal service is in terrible, $14 billion debt, and that mail carriers would rather face a backyard full of Dobermans than the digital revolution. But you have two options in this world. Either you adapt and change. Or you keep doing what you’ve always done at your highest standard – and somehow find ways to make that as appealing as it used to be. Think about it. People either want a brand new Honda Civic with heated seats, satellite radio, anti-lock brakes, or they want a 1958 Plymouth Fury, painted, restored and polished to a T. What they don’t want is a 1972 Ford Pinto with a broken aerial and just enough horsepower to get you to the Safeway in one piece.

I just hope the post office brings its jalopy to the shop before it crashes on the information super highway. And when those 28,000 workers get laid off next year, well, the post office can save about 13 grand if they send the pink slips via email. Just a thought.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches.

(c) 2011 TotalTheater. All rights reserved.

Rabbinical Reflection #31 – Coca Cola

RABBINICAL REFLECTION #31 – Coca Cola

Aired Dec. 3, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: Coca Cola

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of December 4th, 2011.

You know what the easiest job in the world is?  No, not ranting on the radio, I don’t get paid for that.  The easiest job in the world is selling Coca Cola.  It’s been around for a hundred years, everybody drinks it, every grocery stocks it… You go into a shack in Malawi and say, “Barack Obama,” they look at you like you’re from another planet, but you say “Coca Cola” – oh, they start dancing around, they’re laughing, they want you to marry their cousin.

Selling Coca Cola is as easy as saying, “Hi, you wanna buy some Coca Cola?”  Yes, you have Pepsi as a competitor, and those 99-cent, two-liter generic brands that SAY they’re cola, but we all know, it’s just Rustoleum with corn syrup.  Financially, Coke might have a great year, or it might have an almost-great year, but really, it’s like asking the Sultan of Brunei at his roulette game, “Did you lose $3,000 or $30,000?”  Either way, he’s not losing any sleep.  Unless he drinks Coca Cola, in which case the caffeine will keep him up if the harem girls won’t.

So okay.  Here is how you sell Coca Cola.  You concoct it, you mix it, you put it in the bottle, you ship it from the factory, and you cash the checks.  The beverage itself may have a secret formula, but everybody knows Coke’s formula for success – Step One: give people what they want and what they have always wanted. Step Two: Repeat step one.

Now, we all remember years ago when the marketing geniuses at Coke felt they had to justify their inflated salaries by doing something new.  To be fair, it can’t be much fun promoting an item when you know deep down the marketing strategy you’ve used for the past ten years you could really use for the next fifty.  And in the advertising and PR world, nobody gets a bonus for thinking inside the box.  Unfortunately, in the real world, you know who thinks outside the box?  Homeless people.  They sleep in a box, then they go outside it to think.  And you know what some of them are thinking?  They’re thinking, “Shit, I used to be an executive at Coca Cola, until I invented New Coke.”

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, right?  It’s one of the oldest sayings in the world, and if you think you know better, if you think you’re gonna prove the world wrong, get ready if you fail to fall on your tush into a cardboard box.  Twenty-six years ago New Coke hit the market like a bottle of cancer, and it’s been an industry laughing stock – and object lesson – ever since.

So you’d figure the Coke folks would learn from their mistake.  Red label, white letters, brown fizz, rule the world.  But no, in the news this week was a story about Coca Cola using a special design for the holidays.  Instead of a red background, they went with a white background and red letters, plus those cute little polar bears. All well and good, except the public took one look and said, “Wait a minute… is this regular Coke or Diet Coke?”  Somehow the scientific gurus in the Coca Cola utility research kitchen missed the fact that white cans equals low-calorie equals tastes like battery acid.  So people started bitching and writing to the company and returning the cans demanding the old stuff.

Weirder still – even people who were not confusing the regular with the diet, even when they knew it was the same stuff, some of them complained the cola tastes different in the silver can. Don’t ask me if it’s psychological or maybe the old red cans still have traces of cocaine in them, all I know is that it’s been another PR nightmare for Coke.  They’ve had to go back and reinstate the red cans, and somebody in R&D is getting a lump of coal for their Christmas bonus.

Now, I don’t have a problem with innovation, but it seems all the innovations these days are negative ones.  Ooh, let’s take a ten-ounce bag of potato chips and put only eight ounces of chips in it while charging the same price.  American ingenuity at its finest.  Or all these HDTV 3D television sets.  You can watch a Pixar movie; it looks like you’ve jumped into their universe.  However, almost everything else you watch is in one-D, low definition, so your fifty-inch Samsung has all the visual beauty of a hallway security monitor.  And don’t get me started on airplanes charging you extra for a sandwich, more inches of legroom and a place to stow your luggage.  America is innovating us out of house and home.

Again, it’s not as if the Coca Cola people started sneaking Ex-Lax into the formula.  They wouldn’t have to, but even so.  And it’s not as if they did something racist or dangerous or mean-spirited.  They just wanted Coke to be part of the seasonal onslaught of merry merchandising.  Skeptical people might say they had nothing to lose from the design disaster.  If it worked, if it worked.  When it didn’t, look at all the free, and not especially damaging, publicity they got.  Maybe it was all part of some master plan to keep Coke in the news.

I’m not that cynical, I’ll grant them an honest mistake, but either way, if they want to sell their product, save money and have the simplest marketing plan imaginable, all they have to do is hire me.  I work cheap and I work smart.  I will sit there at my desk and ask the different departments the only questions that matter: “Does Coca Cola still taste disgustingly sweet yet refreshingly corrosive?”  “On Thanksgiving, can you fry a turkey or a moose in it?”  “Is it still a dentist’s best friend?”  “Can it still remove the paint from a 1987 Ford Taurus?”  Yes?  Great – sign my paycheck, we’re good for a decade.  Oh, and pour me another Dr. Brown’s Crème Soda – regular, not diet, extra foam, and don’t be Jewish with the ice cubes.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches.

(c) 2011 TotalTheater. All rights reserved.

Rabbinical Reflection #30 – 11/27/11: Questions

RABBINICAL REFLECTION #30 – Questions

Scheduled to air Nov. 26, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. youtube clip: Questions

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of November 27th, 2011.

A week ago, I was able to premiere my one-man, two-person show, Shalom Dammit!, an Evening with Rabbi Sol Solomon, at the Norton Theater of the University of Northern Colorado.  It was a magnificent experience with audiences laughing, asking questions and treating me with undisguised bitterness and hostility.

I doff my yarmulke to all the technical and creative people who helped Shalom Dammit! take the biggest leap at the university since that fat Asian kid jumped off a fraternity roof last summer.  It was a tremendous amount of work, but I think the results speak not only for themselves, but for people who shouldn’t speak until they’re spoken to.  It was that kind of show.

During the process of putting Shalom Dammit! together, I was asked many questions, not all of them anti-Semitic.  I thought I would share some of the answers with you so that you might understand what went into this experience, which I hope to bring to New York, Miami, Sheboygan – anywhere with Jews and a sewer system.

I was asked why would I share – or inflict – this show on an audience.  First of all, it was cold outside and tickets were free, so who’s complaining?  Also, it is confusing being a Jew in modern America.  We are tied to our family traditions and ancient values, but we are also tempted by everything from X-Box on Shabbos to the triple-X boobs on Sasha Grey.  Every Jew makes his own decision as to how much to follow and how much rings hollow.  My show is a glimpse into what goes into making those choices.  How are modern Jewish Americans pulled towards crazy rules drawn up 400 years ago, how do we interact with our Christian, Muslim and Republican brothers; how do we get past the Holocaust without getting over the Holocaust; and how do we convince the goyim that Bernie Madoff, David Berkowitz and Paulie Shore are Jehovah’s Witnesses?

I have also been asked whether Shalom Dammit!, which includes a few naughty words and a smattering of adult content, reflects badly on my people and even fosters anti-Semitism.  The answer to that charge is: I don’t have to encourage anti-Semitism; there’s enough of it without my help.  If Jews feel bad about themselves, well, ambivalence and unease are part of the modern Jewish psyche.  We’re never completely comfortable and never 100 percent happy.  Because we don’t have the ready means of support that non-Jews can always turn to, like alcoholism and professional hockey.  That said, no one watching my show will have any misconceptions about where I stand as a Zionist, a proud Jew, a secular humanist, and a victim of chronic prostate pain.

“Dear Rabbi,” writes another fan, “Do you ever get stage fright?”  Absolutely.  In fact, when I performed the show last Monday evening, the stage manager was shocked because I peed seven times in a half hour.  And I don’t know how many times before I got onstage.

And finally, an audience member asked me whether my frank words about Christianity and Jesus might rub goyim the wrong way.  I can only reply that I tell the truth as I see it, and that if Jesus Christ has a problem with it – I’m here, he can hit me with lightning, he can drop a meteor on my head, he can send me into cardiac arrest – come on, I’m waiting.  If he’s really the savior, he can make a miracle, show me the error of my – Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!!!  I have hangnail on my pinkie; wow, I didn’t see that before.  I need to soak that.

Well, anyhoo, it is on to the next step with my show, Shalom Dammit!.  If you think my hilarious evening of comedy would be right for your local theater, community center or mortuary, please get in touch.  Or if you are a producer with much more money than taste, this is your chance to bring my thoughts to the thoughtless.  Email me: Shalomdammit_at_aol.com, that’s shalomdammit_at_aol.com.

It doesn’t have to be Broadway.  It can be like Mickey and Judy in a barn saying, “Hey, let’s put on a show!  A really dark and offensive show with a lot of Yiddish in it.”  But, come on, what do you expect in a barn, Jersey Boys?  Greedy bastards.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches.

(c) 2011 TotalTheater. All rights reserved.

      Pictured: Rabbi Sol Solomon & musical accompanist David San Miguel

“Shalom Dammit! An Evening with Sol Solomon” LIVE! Nov. 21 & 22

See Rabbi Sol Solomon live and in the kosher flesh!

“SHALOM DAMMIT! An Evening with Rabbi Sol Solomon”
Mon & Tues, Nov. 21 & 22, 7pm at the Norton Theater of the University of Northern Colorado, Greeley, CO: 10th Avenue & 18th Street. Free. First come, first disturbed.

Hear Rabbi Sol’s thoughts about the Middle East, Christianity, the Holocaust, Yiddish and Jewish life in the 21st century!

“Shalom Dammit! An Evening with Rabbi Sol Solomon” is presented by TotalTheater Productions at the University of Northern Colorado.
Written & Performed by Rabbi Sol Solomon
Translated (from the original Danish) & Directed by Dave Lefkowitz

Directorial Consultant: J. David Blatt

Musical Consultant: Richard Shore

Pianist: David San Miguel